Part 4

YOUNG; I find myself lingering on this subject. In the middle of class it hits me, a fast I'm growing up. When I was younger I would close my eyes, and it's hard to describe what I saw. But I still remember that everything was so cluttered, so hectic. Just like the life of a teenager. Maybe it was a warning? TIREDNESS; it sets in luke the dark blanket of night. A part of me wants to push it off with a gentle shove, I just plainly don't feel prepared for it. Something inside me yearns for a mothers kiss, the words "I love you". Yet I don't feel them. I don't feel capable to defend myself from the darkness. Not yet at least, maybe in time. But until then I sleep with the horrible dreams. Dreams that linger in my mind through out the entire day. Dreams that make me scared to close my eyes and let them come so easily. I miss him, and that's the truth. My mom thinks I will hurt him, and to be honest so do I. But that's what lives all about right? Taking chances? What if I don't want to take this chance though. What if this adventure is a little to DANGEROUS for me? that smile that I once saw everyday, that smile that I still see everynight in my dreams lingers. Causing me to hesitate on everything. I feel likevim mourning. But what for? Myself maybe? I'm mourning because I'm dead, but im not dead. Not on the outside at least. a SMILE; it just came so quick. I almost thought it wasn't there, but it was and it's still lingering on my face and my whole soul for that matter. It's nice, like the first rays of sun from a long winter. I remember the first time I fell for a guy, I went head over heels. It did take time though, I remember thinking it wouldn't last. I had the butterflies in the stomach, the whole package. And then the next time I REALLY fell. My heart, soul and every part of me went into that relationship. Everything was fine, but then it went downhill from there. Everything is popping into my head all at once. His face sends shots of pain down my stomach, it hurts so much. My body is on autopilot again, but I can still feel the tingled of pain in my stomach. My life feels like it's a rollercoaster ride at Disneyland. One of those rides that never stop. I wonder if everyone has depression, they just haven't had anything that has triggered it yet.?