Part 3

UNHAPPINESS; it's almost funny how much it hurts and how fast it hits. I didn't see him... But I should just be happy for the few brief seconds we had together, no matter how quick they went. His smile makes my heart flutter and beat just a little faster. It almost feels like the end just because he said he would come but he didn't. Maybe my heart fundlly stopped, it has erased everything that shall make me happy, it wants me to forget. I just can't think; I need to turn my mind off. I need to go on autopilot luke the rest of my body. RELAX. LAUGHING; when I do it, I instantly feel happier.. Lighter. The numbness subsides for a few quick moments. I'm what you can call comfortable. I'm open, but not open enough to get hurt, but I am open to happiness. A few walls fall down, I let their entertainment in, just enough to hit the first skin. The first layer of numbness.... But the present ALWAYS catches up. The laughter subsides, sinks away. The layer returns putting prikles shooting through my stomach. My eyes blur out what I don't want to see, what I must not see. My body is protecting my broken heart and soul. BROTHERS; I always wanted a brother either younger or older who would protect me. Whole would stick up for me when I got picked on... Instead I got a brother who doesn't care, who looks through me without really seeing me. It's as though I'm a giant book, and even though he likes to read, he doesn't want to waste his time reading about me. Maybe if he did, he would understand what runs through my mind. We do have our moments though. When we are by ourselves and no one else is around. We joke and smile but the smiles are EMPTY. Where is the love, the compashion that should come from birth? Maybe it hasn't shown up yet because I am trying to force to opposite people together too quickly. All I can do is wait, but until then just more pain.