Part 6

They look on with excited smiles. Hope for the new year lingers in their half hearted expressions. I find it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. A new year, a new me. I see him and he walks with such confidence, it puts more strength in my own step. Girls swarm around each other with new gossip about who kissed who, and all the latest scandels. they are off on their own world, I wonder if they ever have any REAL problems? Not the fake crap were a girl stole a girls boyfriend. But the real life or deal situations. I feel different... I was seen before, but now; I feel as though it's MY time. My time to shine. I want to be remembered, not for beauty or looks of any kind. But fir something real. My teacher stands before a class of judging eyes, eyes that seem to bore into your very SOUL. Teenagers eyes seen things differently. But there my teacher is, standing before us with the distant trace of FEAR in the corner of her eyes. But her body language still shines, she doesn't let on that she is intimidated. She wears things that fit her character. I used to think she was WIERD m, whatever that is. I thought this because doesn't dress NORMAL. There is that word again. Normal... What is normal? Does it even exist?

Part 5

My bodies so sick of sadness. It's as if it seeps out of my pores and effects everyone around me. His honesty is so pure, it doesn't bother me one bit. It's refreshing actually how he takes all my negativity and TRANSFORMS it, into what exactly? I'm not sure. But I like it and I know that for sure. He makes it so I WANT to believe, so I want to make a change. Maybe I was wrong, maybe HE will be the reason why I heal. Maybe there is a sun bright enough to outshine the darkness. Maybe it's not love, but whatever it is I like it. And it's exactly what I need. My hands start to shake, time needs to slow down, give me more time. I need to heal, he is doing it. Just let me heal. His voice, my heart is telling me that's what I need. His words are like magic, and that's exactly what my black heart needs. Magic. I sound like a little girl again. He let's me hear it how it is. He won't let me go without a fight. He fights for me, no one has fought for me. It feels... Nice. The numbness is back; I feel sick to my stomach. It hurts SO bad. All I can do is move on.

Part 4

YOUNG; I find myself lingering on this subject. In the middle of class it hits me, a fast I'm growing up. When I was younger I would close my eyes, and it's hard to describe what I saw. But I still remember that everything was so cluttered, so hectic. Just like the life of a teenager. Maybe it was a warning? TIREDNESS; it sets in luke the dark blanket of night. A part of me wants to push it off with a gentle shove, I just plainly don't feel prepared for it. Something inside me yearns for a mothers kiss, the words "I love you". Yet I don't feel them. I don't feel capable to defend myself from the darkness. Not yet at least, maybe in time. But until then I sleep with the horrible dreams. Dreams that linger in my mind through out the entire day. Dreams that make me scared to close my eyes and let them come so easily. I miss him, and that's the truth. My mom thinks I will hurt him, and to be honest so do I. But that's what lives all about right? Taking chances? What if I don't want to take this chance though. What if this adventure is a little to DANGEROUS for me? that smile that I once saw everyday, that smile that I still see everynight in my dreams lingers. Causing me to hesitate on everything. I feel likevim mourning. But what for? Myself maybe? I'm mourning because I'm dead, but im not dead. Not on the outside at least. a SMILE; it just came so quick. I almost thought it wasn't there, but it was and it's still lingering on my face and my whole soul for that matter. It's nice, like the first rays of sun from a long winter. I remember the first time I fell for a guy, I went head over heels. It did take time though, I remember thinking it wouldn't last. I had the butterflies in the stomach, the whole package. And then the next time I REALLY fell. My heart, soul and every part of me went into that relationship. Everything was fine, but then it went downhill from there. Everything is popping into my head all at once. His face sends shots of pain down my stomach, it hurts so much. My body is on autopilot again, but I can still feel the tingled of pain in my stomach. My life feels like it's a rollercoaster ride at Disneyland. One of those rides that never stop. I wonder if everyone has depression, they just haven't had anything that has triggered it yet.?

Part 3

UNHAPPINESS; it's almost funny how much it hurts and how fast it hits. I didn't see him... But I should just be happy for the few brief seconds we had together, no matter how quick they went. His smile makes my heart flutter and beat just a little faster. It almost feels like the end just because he said he would come but he didn't. Maybe my heart fundlly stopped, it has erased everything that shall make me happy, it wants me to forget. I just can't think; I need to turn my mind off. I need to go on autopilot luke the rest of my body. RELAX. LAUGHING; when I do it, I instantly feel happier.. Lighter. The numbness subsides for a few quick moments. I'm what you can call comfortable. I'm open, but not open enough to get hurt, but I am open to happiness. A few walls fall down, I let their entertainment in, just enough to hit the first skin. The first layer of numbness.... But the present ALWAYS catches up. The laughter subsides, sinks away. The layer returns putting prikles shooting through my stomach. My eyes blur out what I don't want to see, what I must not see. My body is protecting my broken heart and soul. BROTHERS; I always wanted a brother either younger or older who would protect me. Whole would stick up for me when I got picked on... Instead I got a brother who doesn't care, who looks through me without really seeing me. It's as though I'm a giant book, and even though he likes to read, he doesn't want to waste his time reading about me. Maybe if he did, he would understand what runs through my mind. We do have our moments though. When we are by ourselves and no one else is around. We joke and smile but the smiles are EMPTY. Where is the love, the compashion that should come from birth? Maybe it hasn't shown up yet because I am trying to force to opposite people together too quickly. All I can do is wait, but until then just more pain.

Part 2

When I think of love, an image of a black spot in an otherwhise white page pops into my head. And as you feed it false hopes, false expectations it grows. It grows so big that you can't even see the light in things anymore. You can't fight it, no weapon; however strong can defend you from it. Your soul, this is kind of like the white page; it is feed by your heart. But once your heart is BROKEN bit by bit your soul fades. The sun begins to stop shinning, the flowers start to die, clouds cover the full moon. When you look at something that is supposed to make you feel joy, all you feel numbness. You muster what strength you have left in your dying body to BREAK THROUGH the numbness. When you do, for that brief second you feel... Not hope, not even strength, but PAIN. You would think your body would be overwhelmed with; I guess you can call it joy for having OUT SMARTED the darkness, the pain. But your body has officially given up. When you see something you used to think was pretty, you want to cry for it is either too EXPENSIVE or too gorgeous. It isn't right to buy something and but it next to your dying body. COMPANIONSHIP; is it the meire thought that you have someone? Someone to depend on; to lean on when you have issues. We sit around a table playing cards, deciding on each others fate, whatever that truly is. Our cards resemble things about us. But my mind keeps coming back to FAITH. What is it? People say it is what links us to each other. They say when one event happens it may effect someone elses life. A wrong decision can change someones "fate". I can honestly say I don't know what fate is, or love for that matter. W.OW I actually feel something... I think it's, fear. And that actually scares me, that when the numbness subsides, even just for a second, I feel fear. What do I fear?... I can't name them all. I fear opening up to people, I fear they will just let me down like everone else.

A year in the life of a 16 year old girl

LIFE; what do we know about it? What does anyone know about it for that matter? Peope say it's "supposed" to be hard. They say, " Oh, don't worry it will all pass in time." But time has different meanings. There is the time where you watch for your appointments and meetings. But there is also the time where your heart stops; gives away and ovter time, days, weeks, sometimes even years it's supposed to be all better. What is a sixteen year old girl supposed to be like?WHAT IS NORMAL? Is it the girl who focus's on her studies and doesn't have a bunch of friends? Is it the girl who thinks she is the only one people should look at; and when they do they should worship her.? Everyone has different EXPECTATION'S. When I first meet someone, I think.... Could they be my friend? In a way it's like we're expecting them to have something WORTHY enough to be our friend. But what is a real friend? When I think about it, the first thing that pops into my head is happiness. But what is happiness? How are we supposed to be a friend, or even have a friend if we, ourselves don't even know how to be happy. TECHNOLOGY; Convenent at times, torture at others. I hear the alarm system make a sound, that oddly sounds like my phone going off. My eyes emmediatly dart up, I didn't used to mind. But now when I step back and look it's like I'm POSSESSED. We become so attached to things. I wonder whatever happened to the old writting letters to each other? True, it may take a little longer than say calling someone on the phone but still, it makes more of a connection with the other person. When you talk on the phone you say words... But they aren't nessesarily the words we want to say. We say what makes the other person feel comfortable. We keep our feelings bottled up inside, which only makes matters worse. But when you write to each other it gives each person time; time to think and not REACT. You may not hear the persons voice and how it explains what they are feeling. But you can get an idea by the way they write it. FAMILY; what is it supposed to resemble? Love? But what is love? Family is supposed to "love" each other but what about the family members who don't? Are you supposed to stop loving them?But what if love isn't even real? Then what is the point of a family? So many questions run through my head every single moment, second and day. Family is supposed to me the met that catches you when you fall. But what if you have a strange feeling , as if you don't want them to catch you? Do you tell them? Do you say "Just stop, leave me be?" is that considered GIVING IN? Family; it keeps coming back to that. My mind is so confused with the concept of what a family really is. I'm the movies that are PERFECT. You see the mom and dad always so happy, the brother and sister never fighting and always sharing their toys. It set us up, just like a spiders web. We have a vision in our minds of our FUTURE and we see a husband who adores us, comes home and pulls you into his arms and kisses you. This is supposed to back "Love". People think love is a simple kiss, an embrace. But that is all BULLSHiT. Love is a myth. People say they have experienced it, they say they have found their soulmate. But in the end they get hurt. Their body and soul caves in on itself. It was filled with FALSE HOPE. Filled with something that's not real...